why do people drive like fuckmonkeys ?

1.  talking on phones.  if your hands aren’t at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel, you’re an accident waiting to happen.  buy a hands-free device for your fucking phone so that you don’t endanger anyone else while you’re blabbering endlessly to some poor soul that wishes you would shut the fuck up anyway.  is your existence so pathetic that you require perpetual validation ?  focus on your driving, or have someone else take you places.

2.  turn signals.  the rest of us can’t read your simpleton thoughts.  let us know where the fuck you’re going.  you’re not special.  you’re not entitled to driving without using turn signals.  get over yourself and stop being a fuckmonkey.  hint: use your turn signal “before” applying your brakes.  many turn signals are difficult enough to see without you adding brake lights to the mix.  besides, if you get in the habit of using turn signals sooner, you’re less likely to forget about using them altogether.

3.  treating stop signs like yield signs.  stop means stop.  it doesn’t mean, slow down, maybe, but if you can see nobody is coming it’s okay to keep going.  stop. means. stop.

4.  treating yield signs like you have the right of way.  yield means yield, as in, wait your fucking turn, which is not first.  you’re not special.  you’re not entitled.  you’re just like everyone else, except in this instance, you have to allow someone else to go before you.  stop being a selfish fuckmonkey.

5.  tailgating.  if you’re too close, i will intentionally slow down to at least 2mph under the posted speed limit.  if you continue to not provide adequate space between your vehicle and mine, i will slow down more.  if you need to be somewhere quicker, leave your house earlier.

6.  believing the speed limit everywhere is at least 45mph, even when it is clearly posted otherwise.  then beeping your horn at me for not going fast enough, even though i’m going 5mph over the posted limit.  go fuck yourself.

7.  crossing over solid lines, both single and double, and entering the other lane.  sometimes when i’m behind you.  more annoyingly when you’re traveling towards me.  whatever the fuck you’re doing, it isn’t focusing on your driving.  in the monumental words of cher: “snap out of it.”

8.  playing your music, with and without subwoofer, at invasive volumes.  i don’t give a fuck what you’re listening to.  especially if it’s not mr rogers revenge.

9.  picking your nose.  news flash: your windshield is made of glass, which means i can see you cramming your digit deep into your nasal cavity.  give it a rest.  learn how to use a tissue.

10.  illegal overly-tinted windows.  you’re no gangster.  unless you literally are, in which case, hurry up and get yourself arrested.  otherwise, fuck off.

11.  tinted license plate covers.  i understand your ocd need to keep your license plate clean.  buy a clear cover.  tinted covers make me think you’re up to no good and/or have something to hide.  besides, it makes it tougher for me to see when i’m reporting your horrible driving to the police.

don’t be a “stupid, selfish, idiot, moron.”

most likely to be continued and/or added to.