hey, russia.

i’ve got two gifts for you.

first, i would like to present you with this “f”.

next i would like to present this “u”.

why is it that when someone makes a decision you don’t agree with, they are considered stupid/racist/fill-in-the-blank negative derogatory term ?

fuck off.

why do people drive like fuckmonkeys ?

1.  talking on phones.  if your hands aren’t at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel, you’re an accident waiting to happen.  buy a hands-free device for your fucking phone so that you don’t endanger anyone else while you’re blabbering endlessly to some poor soul that wishes you would shut the fuck up anyway.  is your existence so pathetic that you require perpetual validation ?  focus on your driving, or have someone else take you places.

2.  turn signals.  the rest of us can’t read your simpleton thoughts.  let us know where the fuck you’re going.  you’re not special.  you’re not entitled to driving without using turn signals.  get over yourself and stop being a fuckmonkey.  hint: use your turn signal “before” applying your brakes.  many turn signals are difficult enough to see without you adding brake lights to the mix.  besides, if you get in the habit of using turn signals sooner, you’re less likely to forget about using them altogether.

3.  treating stop signs like yield signs.  stop means stop.  it doesn’t mean, slow down, maybe, but if you can see nobody is coming it’s okay to keep going.  stop. means. stop.

4.  treating yield signs like you have the right of way.  yield means yield, as in, wait your fucking turn, which is not first.  you’re not special.  you’re not entitled.  you’re just like everyone else, except in this instance, you have to allow someone else to go before you.  stop being a selfish fuckmonkey.

5.  tailgating.  if you’re too close, i will intentionally slow down to at least 2mph under the posted speed limit.  if you continue to not provide adequate space between your vehicle and mine, i will slow down more.  if you need to be somewhere quicker, leave your house earlier.

6.  believing the speed limit everywhere is at least 45mph, even when it is clearly posted otherwise.  then beeping your horn at me for not going fast enough, even though i’m going 5mph over the posted limit.  go fuck yourself.

7.  crossing over solid lines, both single and double, and entering the other lane.  sometimes when i’m behind you.  more annoyingly when you’re traveling towards me.  whatever the fuck you’re doing, it isn’t focusing on your driving.  in the monumental words of cher: “snap out of it.”

8.  playing your music, with and without subwoofer, at invasive volumes.  i don’t give a fuck what you’re listening to.  especially if it’s not mr rogers revenge.

9.  picking your nose.  news flash: your windshield is made of glass, which means i can see you cramming your digit deep into your nasal cavity.  give it a rest.  learn how to use a tissue.

10.  illegal overly-tinted windows.  you’re no gangster.  unless you literally are, in which case, hurry up and get yourself arrested.  otherwise, fuck off.

11.  tinted license plate covers.  i understand your ocd need to keep your license plate clean.  buy a clear cover.  tinted covers make me think you’re up to no good and/or have something to hide.  besides, it makes it tougher for me to see when i’m reporting your horrible driving to the police.

don’t be a “stupid, selfish, idiot, moron.”

most likely to be continued and/or added to.

fuckmonkey.

i own that term.  don’t steal it.  you can borrow it, but if anyone asks, you got it from me.

i’ve been using it for decades.

imagine the stupidest person you’ve ever met or seen.  then multiply that by 10.

sure, you could call someone a monkey-fucker, but i prefer to put the emphasis up front for maximum brashness.

fuckmonkey.

don’t be one.

why ?  because your dog licks your face when you get home ?

he also licks his balls, sniffs other dog’s asses, and given the opportunity will eat his own puke and shit.

you’re not special.

check your ego.

that’s the beauty of the internet.

i live in a country where free speech has been available my entire life.  before the internet, sharing views could be logistically challenging, but my opinions, regardless of their ire, were unrestricted.  the only limitation was the audience in attendance.

now i can reach out and affect people all around this wonderful blue orb.  instantly.

i can say nice things, which, contrary to popular belief, is possible.  for instance,….

believe in yourself.  express what you feel.  tell the people you care about what they mean to you.

or i can type things that will set off alerts at government monitoring stations.  for instance,….

missile launch codes; sleeper cell; pipe bombs; flag burning; catcher in the rye….  you get the idea.

the point being, the only limits are those i impose upon myself.

here’s to a fun ride.

if you can’t sing, give the microphone to someone who can.  don’t ask the computer to make you sound good just so you can preen around under the spotlight pretending to be important.

stay home or stay in the karaoke bar.

there are plenty of good singers in the world that are having a tough enough time trying to make a ripple in the ocean of regurgitated auto-tuned pablum without yet another hack with limited talent getting in the way.

auto-tune is to vocals what air brushing is to photography.

fuck you.

here’s why :

1.  he/she/it hasn’t yet shown up to bitch-slap some sense into the legions of followers that promote hatred, intolerance, violence, etc. in the name of (insert religion here).

2.  to be continued.